“Withdraw into yourself, as far as you can. Associate with those who will make a better man of you. Welcome those whom you yourself can improve. The process is mutual; for men learn while they teach.”

Seneca, The Younger

If someone were to say to me, “You seem to be a good person , where did you learn your manners?”….I would say if you met my mother you would understand

If someone were to say say, “You are pretty creative, and you represent yourself very well, where did you get your creativity and ability to articulate yourself from?”…. I would say , if you met my father you would understand.

If someone were to say to me, “You have excellent work ethic, where did you get your work ethic from?”…. I would say , if you met my grandmother you would most definitely understand.

These people shaped me…directly and indirectly my whole life…. I inadvertently isolated myself for most of my youth.As a kid, I lived in one county but went to school in an entirely different county at some points during grade school. This left me to be influenced by a select group of individuals simply due to their exclusive involvement in my life. I had no real friends, until maybe High School, to interrupt any shaping of my young mind with whatever they would have introduced me to. The fact of the matter is, we are all malleable, we are all shaped by what surrounds us indirectly, even the most solid individual is influenced and swayed in some ways by the ones he or she keeps around themselves. I consider myself to be a bit of a loner, I do have friends but the way my childhood was, to this day, I feel most at peace when I keep to myself, and I only let a very, very small select group of people into my most personal space. When I grew older into my teens I continued my solitary ways and although peer pressure and outside influences bombarded me as it does for every teen, I was far too introverted and closed off to let any of those things stick with me. I am happy that I was shaped by the people I mentioned, but it makes me think that if I had been a bit more outgoing or extroverted that maybe I would have been a completely different person to this day.

I think it is important to think about who shapes you, learn who you have allowed to shape you, because even if you have good influences you could still inadvertently or purposefully allow outside influences to shape you, and if those outside influences are negative, you’ll become someone you or your family begin to not recognize at all. I am not a parent but I am assuming that this plays a part in the reason why a lot of parents of teenagers tend to say things like “It’s like I don’t even know who they are anymore”, or why parents of troubled teens say things like “I have no idea where my child learned that behavior, I did not raise him/her that way”.

As adults we are still being shaped, and introduced to a myriad of different points of views and ideas, and if we allow it, we can get caught up in a lifestyle or mindset that does not have a positive impact on us. The adage goes “Choose your friends wisely”. This is something that does not stop in High School or even College , this goes for your entire life. Whoever you are around will influence you, even if you are a very positive person, a negative individual will get to you eventually, even if you are very strong willed and a very independent thinker, if those around you do not share in your ambition, it will be hard to stoke the fire necessary to rage on after what you aspire towards.

Ambition is a fire that must be stoked, it must be fed by you, you must feed it whatever positive ideas it needs in order to keep it raging , in order to turn that ambition into accomplishment. Our friends can either support or hinder this process of aspiration, if you have grandiose dreams and are looking for self improvement of any kind, those around you can shape whether or not you actually stoke that flame. This brings to mind the quote from an unknown source that goes, “Show me your friends and I shall show you your future”. This quote is interesting, it brings to mind the old saying ” You are the company you keep”.

Now does your friend group define you? Does it actually determine whether or not you are successful at achieving something in your life that you have set forth to do? In my opinion the answer is no, only you determine your success , you yourself are the final factor , YOU are the one person that can make or break you completely. However, a negative group of friends can make doing what you need to do, challenging. It is often hard for us to identify the fact that we are in a group that does not help feed our flame. We love these people we are around, we admire some of them and we gain comfort in their presence. Friendship is important and old friends can be a treasure that ends up being one of the most lasting relationships you have ever forged. In the end though, if you are trying to aspire to something more, leaving behind your old ways is the only way to move forward sometimes.

If you are in a rut right now, and can’t seem to find that extra spark, step away and analyze your surroundings, analyze everything, from your living space, what food you consume, what music you listen to on the regular, the types of entertainment you indulge in, what amount of sleep you are getting, and yes, who you are spending the majority of your free time with. If there is something inside you that does not seem right, if you want so bad to improve yourself in some way and what you are doing now falls short, you might need to change your methods. Albert Einstein once said , “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”. It is rough to consider the notion that you have outgrown people you care for, or that if you want to grow more as a person you NEED to outgrow them, but sometimes it is necessary. It may seem pretentious , it may seem like you are acting as if you are “better” than them and they are ” holding you back”, but it really isn’t like that at all, it’s not that you are “better”, it’s that every person has their own ways, and even though we click with certain people and befriend them, we are not always going to be on the same wavelength, we are not always going to be right for each other at a certain point in our lives. You do not have to cease being their friend, but you must find a way to focus on yourself and not have them interfere with your ambition.

At this point I am at a loss. Personally, I am a bit of loner as I said before, outside influences and friends do not often interfere with me because I keep to myself A LOT. I am at a loss when I think of others, with rich friend groups that have interconnected their lives with other individuals at a deeper level than I ever have. I really do not know how a person like that would go about setting their friends aside without offending them or alienating themselves from those friends. However, in my mind I say I guess we must be willing to lose them if it is right for us, and if we have moments of self reflection and truly feel that what is best for us is taking time to ourselves and working on our personal goals, I think a TRUE friend would understand this and be there for you when you need them, but would respect your need to have space and focus on yourself. I never have feared losing a friend group, I have lost friends, they have come and gone. I often reflect and think, to myself, am I a bad friend? Am I not giving enough of myself to others to forge a proper bond? This may be true, this very well may be a case of me being the problem but in all honesty, anytime I am a friend to someone, I do my best to be a good friend , to understand their lives and respect them, but there is something in me that really does not fear them being upset with me if I take some time to myself. I figure that if they really are my friends they would understand that I need to focus on myself for a while because honestly I would do the same for them.

I know this type of mindset is easier said than done for some people who have forged very deep and long friendships, but I think it is important to know that your aspirations in life only go as far as you allow it and that if something is holding you back, whether purposely or inadvertently , the best thing you can do for yourself is to move away from that, no matter how hard it may be.

Thank you for reading this, I really enjoy writing and getting my thoughts out.

Written by: Marcos Lopez 2/3/2020